angels must have birthdays

Oh, we miss you. 😦

I have no idea where the time has gone. A year since we held you? A year since we held your face close to ours and kissed your tiny nose? It feels like an eternity and yesterday, all at the same time.

We celebrated how much we love you on Saturday. And we thought about how much we miss you.

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We made you a cake.

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And we sent some love notes up to you.

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And we stood in the dark and watched them go up. And we waited until we couldn’t see them any longer.

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Happy Birthday, Dziko. We miss you so, so much. Be good. Stay safe. Remember us. We love you.

Love,
Mom and Dad

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happy birthday blastocysts :)

One year ago today, I woke up on my 29th birthday in a hospital room at Yale-New Haven. My husband spent a rough night on the couch in my room and I was recovering from internal bleeding following my egg retrieval.

All of that sounds like an awful way to spend a birthday. But it wasn’t. It was the day our embryos, our babies, were created. I woke up to a phone call from our embryologist. We had 14 of 15 eggs fertilized. 7 by ICSI and 7 by IVF. 14 panda pups in a petri dish. This was the closest to being pregnant we had ever been. It was the best birthday I can remember.

You guys know the rest of the story.

Today is my 30th birthday. I didn’t wake up with my baby this morning. Well, I suppose he is here with me today. But he’s not here in the way I want him to be–but you all know this.

I did wake up to a full house this morning. My awesome parents are here. My Duffy is here from Wisconsin. My puppy gave me birthday kisses. We ate french toast this morning, we painted nails, we laughed, we bopped, I smiled. I woke up to messages from two people I have never met offering to help me fundraise. My heart is full, but there’s a corner empty for Dziko.

It’s been such a different year than I imagined or hoped it would be.

But I have a better outlook on life than I ever thought I’d be able to have again.

I realize this is a recurrent theme as of late, but thank. you. all. Thank you for allowing me to blog and let the weight of these emotions off of my shoulders. Thank you for helping, giving, sharing and being. I only hope that the universe gives you back one thousand fold what you’ve given to me because you deserve it.

My husband and I drove to the airport last night to pick up Duffy, and we sang at the top of our lungs to this.

Cheers to our past, and may it be the sound of our feet upon the ground. Forward march. ❤