I have a love/hate relationship with empty Saturdays. Nothing to do but relax. Nothing to do but sit inside my thoughts and sadness, particularly as we’re drawing closer to his birthday. Yesterday was a hard day. This week begins the worst string of anniversaries that could belong to a person, and so I imagine everyday will be hard for awhile.
But today, I came home from the market to two emails. The first from a sweet, sweet friend, who wanted to let us know that she didn’t have to be reminded of what was coming.
And the second was from my sister. I have never seen or heard advice spoken so carefully, delivered so lovingly, and full of so much silent, heavy-hearted connection.
This is a transcript from a conversation held on Oprah Winfrey’s show in 2000, between Gary Zukav and a couple who had a set of twin boys, born early, and one tiny baby stayed with them only for a few days.
I always knew it would be, and I find it already is, difficult to watch my friends children, who had celebrate birthdays close to Dziko’s and are the age he “should be”, accomplish milestones. I imagine this mother’s struggle with trying to live for one child while not dying of a broken heart for the other to be a horrible impasse- she’s rather stuck. What strength she has to seek to free herself.
Mother’s question: “How do I not let this loss and tragedy in my life take it over?”
Gary’s response: “This is a matter of perspective. Perspective of the personality or perspective of the soul. If you look at Ryan (the baby that died) as a personality who lived for a few days and then encountered tragic circumstances and died then you are looking from the point of view of personality.
If you look at Ryan as a soul, like yourself, your husband, those around us, that left this earth when it chose then you will have a different perspective.Then you will be able to see the gifts this soul offered to you during its short stay on the earth. You will reach a place in your life where you are grateful that this soul chose to be with you for however short a time. If you do not you will live your life in anguish thinking that a tragedy has occurred whenever you see your other son growing up, you will say Ryan should be here, when you see your other son graduating you will say Ryan should have graduated, when he finds his wife you will say, Ryan should be getting married too and through all of this time you will be imposing on your other son a burden to carry because no matter what he does or how successful he is he will be causing his mother pain.If you look at Ryan as a soul, a great soul like yourself who voluntarily entered the earth school and voluntarily left it in order to be with you and to offer gifts then you will begin the process of fathoming and appreciating and becoming grateful for the power of the interaction that you had with that soul and you will be able to receive the gifts that that soul came to this earth to give you, to give to your husband, and to your siblings and if you do not, you will continually be turning away from those gifts, you will be denying the very wealth of wisdom and compassion that was offered to you by this soul.”
So this is not a situation of “things happen for a reason” and “there are lessons to be learned from sorrow”, but instead to appreciate that my son gave me beautiful things in the five months he lived inside me, in the moments we were able to hold him, and in every fiber of my being he is woven into.
For him, I am thankful. ♥